more anger.

i have to get up at like 7 to take a shower because i have a wax tomorrow and i forgot to avoid drinking pop for supper until i was about a half of the can gone. i'm trying to avoid caffeine for supper because i have a feeling it makes it more difficult for me to sleep. i drank hot cocoa today instead of the rest of the pop- so hopefully it'll somehow cancel out the caffeine's effects on me but i doubt it. my psychologist recommended i drink hot chocolate instead of pop the last time we spoke because i said i wasn't sure if it had to do with the reason i sometimes have difficulty falling asleep.
this evening (i think), i realized that my cousin amanda more than likely had me under surveillance today on facebook because that's what "caring" and "supportive" relatives do to their family members who they feel they're too good to friend on facebook/talk to them on their ACTUAL accounts. she seems to think i'm a fuckin idiot who can't see when she's logged onto her in-laws accounts spying on me. now would be about the time where she PRETENDS to be "supportive" of me actually having a job while pretending to ALWAYS be encouraging and supporting to me working a job after i haven't got fired and/or quit after more than a month because she has ABSOLUTELY NO confidence in me actually working an actual job because i'm stupid with a traumatic brain injury! right amanda?! ALL I'M CAPABLE OF BEING IS A REHABILITATION TOOL TO MAKE UNHELPFUL SORRY ASS EXCUSES OF "REHABILITATION INSTITUTES" MONEY WHILE GOING ON THE SAME USELESS MACHINES THAT EVEN MY LIVING ROOM WALL COULD OPERATE AND THINK I'M ACTUALLY BEING CONSTRUCTIVE BECAUSE I'M TOO STUPID TO WORK AN ACTUAL JOB BECAUSE I HAVE A TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY WHICH MAKES ME STUPID AND SLOW! RIGHT AMANDA?! i'm convinced that my mom can actually work a real job, seeing as she obviously just learned how to read when she was aware of my blog. IT'S A MIRACLE! i went through almost all my life making excuses for her, to avoid embarassment why my mom wasn't like the parents of all my friends and other classmates with a damn JOB. she'll NEVER be someone i rely on or put confidence in because she lies for her own BENEFIT. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT AND IT'S NOT FAIR SOME LAZY ASS SHOULD GET TO RUIN THE LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO WORK BY ACTING CLINGY AND AS IF SHE CARES ABOUT THEM JUST TO ACTUALLY INFLUENCE COUSINS WHO ARE ONLY WILLING TO HELP IF IT BENEFITS THEM INTO NOT MOVING TO A PLACE WHERE I, THE OWNER OF MY LIFE HAS BUSTED HER ASS OFF TO GET TO FOR AT LEAST 25 YEARS BUT THE COUSIN IGNORES WHAT SHE WANTS BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL JUST ASSUME SHE'S STUPID BECAUSE THE COUSIN ASSUMES SHE'S STUPID HERSELF (BECAUSE HER MOM CAN'T EVEN READ.. WHAT MAKES HER THINK SHE'S SMART ENOUGH TO LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE?! RIGHT AMANDA?). i'm not really sure how she thinks my brother got his job in welding.. seeing as he DOES have the SAME mom. probably because it's more convenient and beneficial of her to think of me as some handicapped idiot, so her in-laws can just do what she CLAIMED to her aunt she'd do but this is more beneficial since i AM stupid and handicapped- so i obviously don't know what's good for me.. RIGHT AMANDA?! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING- IF I HAD LISTENED TO THOSE THERAPISTS, I WOULD STILL BE AT THE SAD EXCUSE OF A "REHABILITATION INSTITUTE" AND LIVING IN A GROUP HOME SINCE THAT'S WHERE ALL MY FUCKING CASE MANAGERS TOLD MY GRANDMA THEY WANTED TO PUT ME. MY GRANDMA LISTENED TO THEM AS GOOD AS I LISTEN TO THE THERAPISTS, DOCTORS, AND/OR ANYONE ELSE. YOU'RE NOT HELPING SHIT. YOU CAN TRY TO UNDERESTIMATE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU'RE JUST WASTING MY CAPABILITY AND YOU'LL HAVE A VERY MANIACAL ANGRY COUSIN TO PUT UP WITH. BUT I'M TOO FUCKING STUPID TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS- RIGHT AMANDA?! you are obviously projecting. just because you couldn't do half the shit i've done- does NOT mean you should stop me. NEWSFLASH: MY MOM AND I ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. SHE HAS NOTHING BUT BAD INTENTIONS FOR ME. PROOF WOULD BE THE SURGERIES ON MY ABDOMINAL ORGANS I'VE HAD TO HAVE ON ACCOUNT OF HER PUTTING ME IN FRONT OF HER WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING AND BEATING ON HER. THEN ACTING LIKE A FUCKING VICTIM HOLDING ME IN FRONT OF HER, ANY PARENT WHO ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT THEIR INFANT WOULD HAVE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO REMOVE THEIR INFANT FROM AN ENVIRONMENT WHICH HAD AN ANGRY, DRUNK AND ABUSIVE FATHER WHO WAS KICKING AND HITTING THE MOTHER. THAT SHIT HAPPENED SO LONG AGO! THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD REMEMBER IT RIGHT AMANDA SINCE YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMART.. EXPLAIN MY PAST TWO ABDOMINAL ORGAN SURGERIES THEN AFTER MY MOM HAD PUT ME IN FRONT OF HER WHILE MY DAD WAS KICKING HER.. HOW DO I KNOW SHE DID THAT?! I WAS THERE. YOU WEREN'T. I ALSO HAD MANY REMINSCING DREAMS OF THAT NEGLECT HAPPENING AROUND THE TIME I HAD MY LAST SURGERY. ALMOST LIKE GOD WAS TRYING TO REMIND AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I WAS GOING THROUGH THE SHIT I WAS. MY MOM IS TOO FUCKIN STUPID TO REALIZE THAT THOUGH! you should've assisted me to get the fuck outta this state before this shit came out about my negligent mom and abusive dad. SHE'LL ALWAYS BE A CARELESS SELFISH BUM TO ME. MY MOM SHOULD THANK YOU FOR PISSING ME OFF THAT I'VE SAID JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND. YOU THINK THIS IS BAD? I'M PROBABLY NOT DONE VENTING AND I WILL HAVE PEOPLE IN TEARS WHEN I GET DONE WITH THEM. BUT GO ATTEMPT TO PROTECT YOUR STUPID, NEGLIGENT, LAZY ASS BUM OF A COUSIN (MY MOM)!